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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 28, 2013 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need take it to, "oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! any questions? - what's sarcasm, and what's cum? - we'll talk about that when you're older. - come on, everybody, let's work on that kick-off change and get back to some football. - [sighs] [dynamic rock music] - welcome back to rome. some of you might of seen me on tv last night. turns out the drink i endorsed was semen. turns out a little kid was just being sarcastic. that kid's probably grounded for a month. check that--i'm sure he's grounded for two months. and a week. football needs to be made safer, so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen? yeah, that's a fastball right there. that's a real stroke of philosophic genius-- more little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and i don't know what else to say but, so long, sarcastaball,
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it was nice knowing you. let's just hope nothing like this ever happens again. probably won't, not for another year. check that, a couple days. - [gasps] dad! hey, dad! - what? - my wiener is all stiff and pointy! - oh, well, butters, that's just the friendly compass. see, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. it's pointing up, because jesus is your friend. - thanks, dad. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart.
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my guest is bob costas. bob costas. he's going to be joining us on the program. we're going to begin with big news out of washington. in these recent years of perpetual war our military had to address some standard issues in order to keep enlistments up they've loosened their educational requirements, their "have you committed a felony" requirements. but now they're dropping the biggest barrier to combat roles yet. the [bleep] and balls requirement. >> leon panetta announced the military will let women serve in front line combat units including infantry, armor, artillery even potentially special forces >> jon: wow. first gays, now women. what's next? noncitizens? oh, really? for hundreds of years before both those other groups? the point is to it's a major policy shift.
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there are bound to be detractors >> there are certain anatomical facts about upper body strength. your 6'4 ," 240 pound marine you're injured and you need the marine next to you carry back to safety. your the marine next to you is a 5'4 "women who weighs 115 pounds. >> jon: you're going to have tons and tons. (mumbling) with their wee little hands and their wee little feet. have you ever seen them eat. they pick up a dinner roll like this. and a tine he little sharp teeth. wait a minute. i'm thinking of mice. mice should not be serving in the military. no matter how adorable they might be. sergeant whiskers, i can't napalm you. as for the woman are too weak
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eument it would be a bad idea to send the linebacker to fight side by side with the pixie regiment. maybe the military could have a requirement pertaining to physical fitness. maybe a physical fitness requirement. of course that won't address the real problem of having women in the peeled >> bringing women into combat is inevitably going to change unit co-he's i have beenness because sex is inevitable. eros is a very powerful and irrational passion >> jon: eros is a very powerful and irrational passion. that is a terrible argument for keeping women out of combat but a wonderful campaign for a new fragrance. for the irrational passion in you, eros. i wish i had known that when i was 18.
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listen. maybe you put a lid on this sexual misbehavior by again have some sort of standard or code that governs how the military conducts itself. some kind of a military code of conduct, if you will. but even that won't address the biggest hazard ladies present our fighting men. >> if you had to go to a rest room, pee in a bottle inches from the comrade next to you. if you develop dysentery you had to pooh in a bag inches from your comrade's face. introducing women into that environment can be really traumatic and humiliating. >> jon: i'm going to jump in here. first of all, i know a lot of german businessmen who would pay good money for that. secondly, you're in a war zone. you're in a war zone and your
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big worry is dying of embarrassment? and by the way, i think i figured something out here. if men are going to be poohing inches from their female comrade's face, i believe that solves your eros problem. eros is irrational but it's not [bleep] crazy. all right. our own samantha bee explores this more in depth with this report >> reporter: last week defense secretary leon panetta made military history when he lifted the ban on women serving in combat. immediately, objections were raised. >> there is a difference in the physicality of women and men >> it's a terrible idea. you're going to have the sex assault problem >> people are going to die reporter: author and military expert kingsley brown >> women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion. it's not clear that men can actually bond with women the way
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they bond with other women >> reporter: so women can disrupt romance in combat zones? >> almost by definition. reporter: who are these fatigue hags jeopardizing all that military cohesion? meet marine corps captain zoe biddle a plaintiff in the lawsuit to lift the ban on women in combat >> i think it's about time that women are allowed to serve in all roles >> reporter: why do you want to be the one to break up the band of brothers? don't be the yoko >> unit cohesion is based around common mission and being held to standards. >> reporter: we said to an expert in the workplace discrimination, do you want to know what he said in >> sure reporter: pick a number from one to four >> two. reporter: but it turns out kingsley had a lot more to say. >> you have one or two women added to the group and now everybody is vying for their attention >> reporter: women are distracting some >> they are distracting. reporter: what if the woman
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is not heterosexual? >> i don't think that it matters reporter: they're still going to try to hit that >> they're still going to try to hit that >> reporter: i would love to take out that insurgent but check out major turnbull over here. boing boing >> that's really not a funny thing because sexual harassment charge is taken very seriously. it ruins careers >> reporter: really. right. sexual harassment ruins men's careers. there you are at the front lines looking so cute in your camo and someone comes up and sexually assaults you. aren't you going to feel guilty for wrecking that guy's career? >> not even a little bit. reporter: getting a lot of blow-back here. do you want to reschedule this interview for when you're not having your period? sounds like zoe just doesn't get how women screw up the guy-namics of actual combat >> there have been 280,000 women
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who have served in iraq and afghanistan over the last decade. over 130 women have died in these wars. in modern warfare the lines are blurred if they exist at all between what the front lines are and what is a safe zone. >> reporter: do they even call it the front lines anymore? >> they do not. reporter: what do they call it? >> afghanistan. women are being shot at. but the military didn't allow them to serve in those positions officially. that hurts their chances for promotion. for example mary jennings is a helicopter pilot >> reporter: zoe dished the dates on her military gal pals >> sergeant jennifer hunt was on a convoy >> reporter: apparently there are already tons of female soldiers totally kicking ass in combat zones. >> lee ann hester received the silver star for her actions under fire >> reporter: you go, girl. do you have girl talk in afghan sta? let's do a little role play. i'll be a woman who served her
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country bravely and i'll be you. my name is major matter jennings. i chased ground fire after my helicopter was shot down >> you weren't in the infantry. you weren't taking the fight with 100-pound pack >> reporter: a purple [bleep] heart >> i sincerely say thank you for your service >> reporter: but? but that doesn't mean that you should serve in combat >> reporter: that's a great point. except that women are already there, mother [bleep]. see, in my world women have already been serving in combat for two wars, but kingsley is living in a simpler time. >> men join the infantry because they want to fight >> reporter: excuse me for one second. (mayberry theme) >> girls become women by getting older. boys become men by accomplishing something, by proving something >> reporter: have you ever actually met a woman before?
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>> several. reporter: a woman who did not want to strangle you? what would you like to say to all the people out there who are really stuck in another era? >> the good news is i don't have to say anything because the evidence is on my side. women have been doing this for ten years and eventually we'll just keep doing our thing >> reporter: well said. i guess there's only one thing left to do. ♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪ ♪ where the eagle flies ♪ and the mountains rise
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back to the show. now, when women now being allowed in combat the next big question is where will we send them? it brings us to our new segment world war iii update. big troubles everywhere. you knew that was coming. veteran world war iii chasers have pinned their hopes for global annihilation in israel
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and iran. this issue was addressed >> quite sophisticated. it's not an issue of either way major war >> jon: i'm sorry. because of my family history i can only hear what he was saying as expressing disappointment in my career. i don't know what he really said. can anybody give us a translation of what he was talking about there, nonguilt laden >> most experts interpreted that as israel sort of backing away from a threat of launching a full-scale military attack. >> jon: israel standing down? is that a suggestion that they won't launch a pre-emptive strike against iran? is there anything i should know? >> israel could launch a pre-emptive strike to stop
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chemical weapons >> jon: so close. thankfully there's still not world war iii. it's a regional war. number 4,692. who is going to go for bat for a ruthless dictator like assad >> iran is sticking by syria this is the strongest warning we've heard yet that any attack on syria would be considered by iran as an attack on iran. >> jon: damn you, transitive property. all we had to do was keep syria and israel apart and then iran will never get into it. that's all we have to do. got it >> rising tensions in asia, north korea threatened to quote settle accounts with the u.s. with a nuclear tip missile >> reporter: kim jongo novment you didn't. come on, now. somebody has a missile with a nuclear tip. come on. who is afraid of this guy? looks like he should be chasing pee wee herman for his bike.
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come on. >> it's believed the secretive regime has a nuclear arsenal of as many as 12 weapons. and powerful ones. >> jon: all right. 12 powerful nuclear weapons. how bad could that be? >> models show such a bomb could level an area roughly about the size of, say, lower manhattan. >> jon: say, lower manhattan? what, no. don't say. why do you have to say? just don't say. come on. 9/11, a flood and a hurricane. we've had enough disasters. don't use us as the hypothetical. when did lower manhattan become standard unit of destruction measurement? that's what i want to know. why has it got to be... ( cheers and applause ) that could very easily be my pizza delivery xeno. for god's sake can't we convert back to [bleep] rhode island? how many rhode islands are. two regional wars.
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still not world war iii. iran and north korea. transitive property. someone call israel and tell them. i'm not sure but they may bet
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight emmy-winning sportscaster for nbc, please welcome back to the program bob costas. ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. >> how are you doing jon: always good to have a guest on that i can swap jackets with. we're going to talk sports. there's nothing that i like better than talking sports but before we get to the sports i have to talk to you about you found yourself at the center of a plit conversation when at half time during a football game tragedy in kansas city. >> right jon: with the football player who killed himself and then his girlfriend. you spoke of a gun culture >> right jon: and... quoted jason whitt lock a columnist from kansas city and now writes for the fox sports
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website who never mentioned the second amendment or gun control but talked about a gun culture which i do believe exists. it's an attitude toward guns. obviously i think any sane person believes that we ought not to have high capacity magazines and assault rifles and that there ought to be background checks. you should be in a country where 40% of the gun purchases are done without a background check, where it's so easy to circumvent the existing laws. we can tighten all that stuff up without repealing the second amendment >> jon: how do you define it very quickly? >> you know what? i'm not exactly sure what sane is, but i know a lot of what i heard in the after math is insane >> jon: what did it feel like to be in the epicenter of i guess you became the polarizing magnet in the gun control argument even though that was not the argument you were making >> for a short period of time. and then newtown happened. it seemed that that changed the
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tone. although, as horribly tragic as that was, if it did redirect the debate and people are now at least somewhat more willing to think about this more rationally and compassionately, then that's a good thing. but even if every possible common sense bit of legislation was passed and even if every gun were legally obtained, you'd still have to deal with a gun culture. it's an attitude toward guns. when belcher texted his friend who says you better have a gun ready because his girlfriend was fooling around on him. he tells his friend don't worry i have eight. what does that tell you? what does that tell you? when tony dungee asks his squad when he coached the colts in training camp when there were 75, 80 guys how many of you have a gun and 75% of them raised their hand, what do you think the chances are out of every 100 instance tents that these are being used for sporting purposes or legitimately for self-defense as opposed to something tragic
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even if it's unintentionally tragic happening? that's what i was talking about or what whitt lock was talking about. a gun culture. >> jon: they would jump in and say how do we change the culture then? is it that guns look cool? is it that... is it real self-protection and real second amendment rights or is it the idea that i've seen enough movies to know if i go in some place and do this, you know >> you take a look at, you know, right now everywhere you look there's a commercial for a movie called bullet to the head. we're still in a culture... >> jon: that's a working title? once you've thrown your mama from the train, what difference does it make? >> but there are many aspects to this. many aspects to this. when it comes to football, you know, the domestic violence, it's a legitimate question to ask: can you expect hundreds if not thousands of football players to do something which by
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its very nature is brutal, belligerent and violent, isn't it reasonable to expect that some of them won't be able to contain that to the field? isn't it reasonably to investigate what head trauma might have to do with it not just the effects of it down the line but in term of mood and impulse control and aggression? i was aware of all those things when i made those comments and i talked about all those things before at half time of these games and in questioning roger goodell and other nfl officials. i just didn't have time that particular night to hit every aspect of a complex problem. >> jon: it was half time. and i had 90 seconds. but as i was saying to you earlier, look, we've changed the culture on a lot of things without changing the law. >> jon: or without changing people's rights, without infringing on their rights >> exactly. no one repealed the first amendment but we changed people's attitudes towards racist or homophobic remarks. cigarettes remain a legal product but attitudes toward them and understanding of their
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dangers have taken hold. so the culture has been changed. that's what i was talking about. there is a gun culture, and it isn't good >> jon: trying to maybe redirect the gun culture from being either a litmus test for toughness or freedom. maybe getting back to its utility still while respecting the second amendment >> and we have to acknowledge that guns are glorified in hip hop culture, some 70% of the players in the nfl are african-american, not all of them are influenced by that part of the culture but some of them are. guns are glorified. many of these kids come out of environments where it's commonplace for a 14- or 15-year-old kid to be packing >> jon: it's also very different. cities are different than the country. there are different problems. in the city they're not going to tell you, those guys aren't going to tell you assault weapons are a problem. handguns are a problem. but it's about police enforcement not about people's rights.
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it's about getting them into legal hands as opposed to illegal. >> yeah. how do they obtain them and for what purpose? i don't think you could find very many people who would say it doesn't make sense for someone if they feel comfortable with it to have a gun in their home to protect themselves and their family in the case of someone, you know, invading their house. on the other hand, you've got a lot of people in this country and some of them are professional athletes whose idea is to leave the house, got my wallet, got my watch, got my glock. >> jon: and you have to do it with formed jeans. he did it in sweat pants. who does a glock and elastic pants? i mean it's just a gravity issue. we're going to come back. now we'll get to the sports. we'll come back and talk about sports. bob costas. we'll be right back.
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